Letter to my Dad

Daddy-

Do you remember when I got the suburban stuck on that telephone pole? I kept driving forward, and backwards trying to get it unstuck from the bumper, but it only made the dent bigger. Then soon after that, do you remember when I backed up into the Dairy Queen sign with your truck?  I was so scared to go home to you. So afraid of what you were going to say (or yell to me). But you didn't say anything. You just hung your head and shook it back and forth. I think that hurt worse than if you'd yelled. 

Remember when Heather, Keri and I would be in the kitchen washing the dishes, and you were trying to watch TV. We would get so loud laughing and carrying on, that you would come in the kitchen and tell us, "Okay! You've got five minutes to finish the dishes! If you're not done in 5 minutes, you're all getting a spanking!". Then the laughter turned into fighting-- "Heather, it's all your fault! HURRY! HURRY! Ugh! Don't throw the dishes in the water! You just got me wet! I hate you! It's all your fault!" We would hurry about washing, drying and putting away dishes, while the clock on the microwave taunted us. 3 minutes went by, then 4 then 5, then 6. I don't think we ever got a spanking for not finishing in five minutes. 

Remember making boys pray with you before they were allowed to take me to prom? I was so embarrassed. None of the other dad's required that! Remember the time you introduced yourself to my boyfriend and said, "My name is Bud Hodges, and my answer is 'HELL NO!'...and I don't give a damn WHAT your question is!". I thought I would die then and there. Remember when Chris called you from Wisconsin to ask for my hand in marriage? You said, "Son...that's not the type of thing you do over the phone." I was so mad at you. I couldn't imagine why on earth you were being so unreasonable! 

Remember when Cade was a baby and we surprised you and flew to TX from Alaska for Christmas? Remember how you and mom screamed when we surprised you? And Cade wouldn't go to you all week because you had scared him so badly? 

Remember hitching the wagon onto the three wheeler and all of your grandkids squealed with delight as you drove around the block. Until Tiegan fell off. Remember buying the boys the Gator? You would call all of the time to see if the snow had melted yet so we could surprise the boys with it. The snow finally melted in April. That was just a few weeks before you got sick. The boys love that Gator, Dad. They want you to come and see them riding it. 

I wish I had known my whole life that you were on the Autism Spectrum. I wish I had known, so that I could have been more understanding when I thought you were being too harsh on us, or when I thought you were being unreasonable. I wish I had known, so that whenever you got on your political soapbox I would have just rolled my eyes and smiled, rather than being angry at you. 

The doctors are doing everything in their power to keep you alive. They're drawing off so much fluid off of you, that it's unprecedented. Dr. Hailey said they're running out of options. 

Dad, I need you to know how much I love you. I need you to know that there will always be a huge gaping hole in my heart if you go. But I know that this is not living. I want God to heal you and for you to walk out of that hospital. But more than anything, I want you to be at peace and not have to suffer anymore. 

Thank you for being the protective father that you were. Thank you for being such a wonderful Grandfather to my babies. 

I love you so much.
My heart is breaking.
I'm not ready to let you go.

Traci Renay